The Linguistic Turn: An Informal Canadian Guide to British English

Several times here, especially in casual situations such as in a queue (see below), we've had the very disconcerting experience of not being able to understand a thing someone is saying. This is disconcerting, of course, because you are quite aware that the other person is speaking the same language as you, which creates the expectation of effective communication, but any meaningful communication is simply nonexistent. 'Pardon me?' can only be said once or twice before you start to feel rude instead of polite, after which you smile broadly and nod appreciatively, hoping that the statement was actually something you should be affirming.

What accounts for this phenomenon? Apart from sociological and pathological concerns, it boils down to two factors: vocabulary and accent. Here, then, is one Canadian family's informal (and somewhat tongue-in-cheek) guide to British English vocabulary and local accents.


British Vocabulary

Queue: a lineup of people, typically taking too long to get too little for too much; or, to stand in a lineup of people, typically taking too long etc.

Pound: two dollars and change; or the standard weight measure.

Pint: just under 600 ml; or, about two pounds (the one kind).

Stone: just over 6 kg; or, about fourteen pounds (the other kind).

Rubbish: garbage, trash; as in, 'There's too much rubbish on the telly in the evenings'.

Telly: short for 'TV'; or, a rubbish receptacle.

Football: soccer, one thing worth watching on the telly.

Hockey: unbelievably, not on the telly, and not real hockey unless qualified by 'ice', and even then it's only something like real hockey.

Cricket: ?????????

Cheers: hello, goodbye, thanks, you're welcome, etc.

Brilliant: see 'smashing'.

Smashing: see 'brilliant'.

Toilet: the whole facility, not just the throne; as in, 'Where's the toilet, please?'.

Flat: see 'lift'; as in, 'I took the lift to my flat'.

Lift: see 'flat'; as in, 'I took the lift to my flat'.

Crisps: chips.

Chips: fries.

Fries: chips.

Bangers: sausages, as in 'bangers and mash' (mashed potatoes), the national food after fish-and-chips and balti.

Coffee: instant coffee unless qualified by a word such as 'brewed' or 'Starbucks'.

Tea: the drink, as in 'Would you like a cuppa?'; or, an afternoon break with coffee; or, the whole shebang at an evening meal.

Post: mail, as in 'The mailman brings the post'.

Mobile: cell phone, apparently required by law for every individual over twelve years old.

Roundabout: traffic circle; along with cricket and Incomprehensible (see below), Britain's best defence against invasion, rendering the enemy utterly confused and thus susceptible to effective retaliation.

High street: main street.

New street: old street, but newer than the high street.

Petrol: gas (automobile fuel); origins unknown.

Boot: the trunk of a car, as in 'Car boot sale today on High Street' (roughly equivalent to 'Garage sale today on main street'--that's for our Three Hills friends).


British Accents

You may have heard of 'Cockney' or 'King's English' or other such terms for British accents, but for the average Canadian such distinctions are rubbish (see above), because they simply aren't discernible. For Canadians, here's a more helpful list of local accents in Britain:

Queen-ish: The very proper-like, sort of 'Queen-ish' accent spoken by... well... the Queen. This can move the average Canadian to hum 'God Save the Queen' with great fervour (this offer not available to residents of Quebec).

General British: This is the dialect of many flavours spoken by most people in England, Wales, and Scotland, perfectly understandable with minimal effort and only the occasional 'Pardon me?' Lovely to listen to and great fun to dialogue with.

Incomprehensible: This would include the strongest Cockney and Brummie accents and the thickest Scottish Highland, i.e. the dialects that develop in major urban environments or among men wearing kilts and living among frozen lochs and rocks. This is much fun to listen to (especially listening to two speaking to each other) but takes great effort to understand.


Quiz time! See how many of the British words above you can use in a single sentence. E.g. 'While queuing for my petrol, I searched through the rubbish in my boot and found some banger-flavoured crisps which I ate while watching football on the telly...' Bonus points if you can say it in Incomprehensible.

(It's been suggested that we put together An Informal Guide to Canadian English for Brits, or something to that effect. That's a good idea, eh? We'll have to do something aboot that. We've certainly got our own share of Incomprehensible dialects and lexical idiosyncracies in Canada--not specifically mentioning any former Prime Ministers or anything...)